My telephone rung with my favourite ringtone. I liked the ringtone because it made the phone seem alive. When I was going to go check my messages I saw my profile picture, I had blonde hair and was very slim-looking good! I read my message and it stated, “Look for the wish seed in the sewers.” I guessed in a flash that this must be the famous wish seed that grants you a wish. Now, the last time I went down the sewers tears fell down my face when I vomited. I hated that stinky, disgusting, slimy place-but if there’s a possibility of adventure and treasure, I can’t resist, so off I went.
When I got to the sewers I saw a floating object, the wish seed. Well it did look like a seed but it didn’t look that spectacular. I heard a scream and saw another kid down at the other end of the sewers. I grabbed the seed and ran. I bolted for the ladder and rushed home. As I panted on my bed sweat trickled down my forehead but for some reason the sweat was salty like how it usually is. As I took a rest I observed the seed, but how did it work?
So the next day after school I invited my friends over to have a look. One of my friends said put it in a genie pot and it will summon a genie. My friends realised that maybe I was trying to trick them so I showed them my messages but mysteriously there were none. After that my friends stormed out in anger so I whispered to myself, “I wish that my friends would believe me.” My friends rushed back inside my room and said, “We saw a light coming from your room.” “We want to make a wish too!” the other one said. In selfish desperation for wishes I said, “NO! There might be limited wishes!” “You selfish scum!” they all said at once and they left.
An hour later I saw heaps of my friends outside of the door-everyone had been talking, and now everyone wanted my wish seed. A year 8 leader just pushed me out of the way and headed to my room. I lunged towards my room but the boy had already claimed the seed and once again just pushed me out of the way. I looked outside and it seemed they were fighting for the seed. Some smart people immediately fled.
The last people standing were people with a leader who happily shared the seed around. Then I thought, “Why weren’t my friends like that, why did they fight to get it from me?” I went to their house and asked why. They responded, “You are no good and selfish!” I convinced them to help me retrieve the seed by saying that I would share it.
The kids who had taken the seed had come up with a system they called “a wish for the day.” So they had hidden the seed in a box. We snuck in and took it out, but when we looked behind us a rush of adrenaline came. The whole mob was behind us. As we ran the only place we could think of going to was back to the sewers again- “ugh!” So we went in and we seemed to have lost them. I shared the seed around for everyone to have a wish (we each wished in private). Until we saw the same kid I had seen when I had first obtained the seed. I gave him an evil eye. But when I looked at my friends they stared and sighed indicating for me to share it with him as well.
So I did. But then I wondered why my friends hadn’t fought for it. Then I remembered them calling me selfish, and my mind rung. I was being selfish by taking it for myself and not even sharing it. Finally I had realized. If I wanted my friends to like me I had to share. In the future I am planning to share with my friends so this will never happen again.
In this activity I learned how to finish of a narrative by making the character change somehow. I also took Antony’s advice and make my stories a bit more simple and work more on making description and the character rather than having to spend the whole time putting my ideas in there. I am particularly proud of how I have improved from the last story because last time I was stressed and had to rush everything or I would have an unfinished story but this one went much more smoothly and I didn’t stress as much I am also proud of the different vocabulary and making the character change.
I love the way you have worked hard to create a story where the character changes his personality because of what happens when trying to solve the problem of the story. You enjoy using interesting vocabulary and phrases which help make your writing interesting for the reader.
You like to have lots of ideas and action in your stories, but if this is the type of story you want to write you have to be careful to make sure every step is clear. Notice how I have put in a few words and phrases here and there throughout your story, just to make it really clear what is happening. When you reread and edit your writing really look out for this.
Finally, be careful with your punctuation of talking. For instance, if you start the speech in the middle of a sentence you need a comma before the talking marks start- e.g: In selfish desperation for wishes I said, “NO! There might be limited wishes!”